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For a while, my wife had a major crush on Jason Statham. This attraction came as a surprise to me, but not for the reasons that you might think. I don’t care if she gazes in the restaurant window as long as she comes home for dinner. Statham was just a departure from her usual attractions to paunchy middle-aged dudes like David Harbour or that guy on the Weather Channel. For those reasons, I know I’m confidently her type. Jason Statham, I am not. 

This infatuation started around the time he starred in Guy Ritchie’s Snatch. Maybe it was his Cockney accent or his rough and tumble vibe, but she was smitten. He showed up later in The Italian Job as Handsome Rob and the romance deepened. She kind of lost interest as Statham appeared in a stream of middling films. These generic actioners sound more like VoTech courses than movies (The Transporter, The Mechanic, The Beekeeper, etc.).

The flame rekindled slightly when he tweaked his image for laughs in that Melissa McCarthy spy comedy, but the damage was done. She was over him once he started wrestling giant sharks. Occasionally, I ignore my wife’s complicated relationship with Mr. Statham to watch one of his movies when the mood strikes. It’s usually when I’m bored on a long transatlantic flight. 

I’ve seen him be fast and furious, cranked, and expendable. He’s been a working man in a death race and a wild card hummingbird with a safe bank job. In the end, he always kicks ass and takes names. I must confess that the big lunk can be quite entertaining if I don’t think too much about it and just let art flow. There is something incredibly comforting about a mediocre movie. 

Maybe it’s the joy of low expectations? There’s no complicated plot, thick dialogue, or heavy themes to slow things down. Nothing gets in the way of disconnecting from the world for a few hours. It’s like sleeping with your eyes open, but there are explosions and fisticuffs. So every now and then, I leave my brain at the door and watch Jason bust some heads. Some people work out to relax. Others make bread or do Sudoku. I watch mid movies.

And you don’t get more mid than Statham, Mark Wahlberg, Edward Norton, and Charlize Theron in The Italian Job. It’s a remake of a cheeky 1969 Michael Caine caper comedy. Both are known for their creative use of Mini Coopers, and one is actually set in Italy. Statham is one of an ensemble in his flick because it’s really Wahlberg and Norton’s movie. Even the lovely Ms. Theron takes a backseat to Marky Mark and Eddy Ed. 

Wahlberg has his fans (he was good in Boogie Nights and The Departed) and Norton has made some decent movies (The Incredible Hulk was fun and he’s adorable as a lovesick priest in Keeping the Faith), but neither of them has the charisma to pull off playing rival master thieves in this heist movie. It feels more like “battle of the blands” with Vanilla versus French Vanilla. To compensate, the producers packed the film with an eclectic supporting cast of scene stealers. 

In addition to Statham and Theron (Atomic Blonde), this movie has rapper-turned-actor Mos Def (Be Kind, Rewind), Seth Green (Robot Chicken) and the legendary Donald Sutherland (pretty much just here for the paycheck but, hey, he was in Animal House, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and The Dirty Dozen so RESPECT!). I first saw The Italian Job with my wife and another couple on a double date. We had sneak-preview passes to this new flick. It was 2003.

What we didn’t know at that the time was that this screening REALLY was a preview. The movie wasn’t even finished yet. A few scenes were missing. Right when the Mini Coopers are running around the tunnels of the L.A. subway, the screen suddenly went black. The images were replaced with a graphic that said “To be inserted later.” Then it jumped to another scene and the movie ended soon thereafter. 

We never really found out what happened, but there was a happy ending so all’s well that ends well. Everyone got to fill out a survey afterwards to share our insights with the filmmakers. I don’t know if our comments made an impact, but we watched the movie again later on DVD to see what we had missed. To be honest, I can’t remember what was different. 

I think they inserted more shots of cars doing things that cars don’t normally do. There was more dialogue and the good guy hit the bad guy and then he kissed the girl. Whatever they added didn’t really change my opinion of the movie, but I enjoyed the break from reality. The Italian Job expertly demonstrates the majestic healing powers of the mediocre movie. 

For starters, it’s insanely watchable with quirky characters, high-stakes robberies, and exotic locales (for the first 20 minutes anyway, then you’re dropped in L.A.). The predictable story beats are comforting. The most shocking surprise here is that Ed Norton sports a soul patch. There are no speed bumps to disrupt your mental journey. This movie is like a hot cup of cocoa with car chases. Think of the Mini Coopers as those little marshmallows. 

The Italian Job is directed by F. Gary Gray and it’s pretty typical for his oeuvre. He’s like the Stanley Kubrick of meh cinema. You want a movie to be just okay? Call in F. Gary Gray. If you need more justification, just check out his filmography. His most famous work is probably his debut, which was the Ice Cube/Chris Tucker classic Friday. Gray then parlayed the heat from that sleeper hit into a series of forgettable movies. 

They mostly reside in that cinematic Goldilocks zone. Sufficient time killers, but hardly memorable. He seems to be the go-to guy for unremarkable sequels. Gray directed Be Cool, which was the unnecessary followup to Get Shorty. He made the Fast and Furious movie that no one remembers (P.S. It was the eighth one), and he did the only Men in Black without Will Smith. By comparison, The Italian Job comes out on top. Check it out now on Paramount+. 

It’s the F. Gary Gray flick that I put on whenever I’m folding laundry or getting over the flu. And I mean that as a compliment. It takes a special kind of movie to serve as your own personal white noise machine. The Italian Job is soothing in that “grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup on a rainy day” kind of way. Just embrace the mellow sameness. 

Sometimes we all need to just decompress with a mediocre movie. Bad movies can tick us off because they’ve wasted our precious time. Good movies can sometimes be overwhelming. Can you really handle Oppenheimer at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night? Medicore movies don’t elicit feelings. They know you’re not here for deep thoughts. These flicks were made for jammies, Chex Mix, and cuddle time with your dog. They just let you be.

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